I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
