I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
