Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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