It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Still dying that you shit outside
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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