I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
