Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize