These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I need water and some morals
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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