Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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