At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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