I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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