how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
