How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
