im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
