best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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