"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
