every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
People in love make me want to vomit
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize