not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
