Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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