listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
