I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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