Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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