Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
