So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
