I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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