Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
