Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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