This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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