he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
