i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
