Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
