hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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