I didn't shave. On purpose
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
