??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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