I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
