I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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