hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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