Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
