very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
