In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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