First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
