I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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