This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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