my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
either way he was missing a nipple.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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