Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
