two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
