So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
