yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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