I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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