all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize