turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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