Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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