You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
