dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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