Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
