Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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